Top Ten Gifts I DON’T Want for Mother’s Day

Wellness  / 

When I think of Mother’s Day, I think of family brunches, flowers and cute hallmark cards.  Oh yeah, and I think of crappy gifts from my kids.  Not to sound ungrateful, but every year I’m pretty underwhelmed by my Mother’s Day take.  I know I tell them I’ll love anything they give me, but between us, my kids’ gifts are usually pretty bad.  So if it wasn’t questionable parenting to tell them the worst Mother’s Day gifts they could give me, I’d mention these 10 things in no particular order:

1.  A cooking appliance: Usually dad helps out with this one. It takes me weeks to even “wash before use” much less actually use it. Last year they got me a slow cooker, because every morning when I’m getting 4 hungry fighting kids ready for school I think to myself “now’s the perfect time for me to start preparing a pork roast.” His defense was that I once mentioned once I should try one.  I also mentioned I love yellow diamonds but I’ve seen no movement on that front.

2.  Another bracelet made from rope or rubber: I mean, I know it’s from the heart, but c’mon kid… change it up a little! I look like a camp counselor.

3.  A shirt:  I’m pretty picky about what I wear and unless it’s plain black or from Lululemon, chances are I won’t like it.  And I know my little ones just wait with baited breath until I wear it.  Again, a tough position.

4.  A new book:  I wish I could actually stop for long enough to read a few pages a day, but I just never feel like I have time. The book will sit around staring at me as a reminder that I don’t know how to relax or prioritize.  It just makes me feel bad.

5.  Coupons: Like the ones that say “one free kitchen clean up” or “one free break up a fight”.  Because every time I’ve ever gone to cash in I get “Mommmmm leave me alone…” or “Mom not nowwww.”  And to my husband, don’t you dare try to give me a free massage coupon.  I know what that’s code for.

6.  Exercise equipment: Confession - I don’t enjoy working out.  I exercise regularly, and as I do I usually dislike every minute of it while I daydream about what to eat after or sulk about what I ate the night before.  So anything new that’s introduced into my exercise routine won’t be met with excitement and enthusiasm but instead will likely incite angst.

7.  A hand-made painting: They put so much effort into creating the painting and I just feel so awful come late May when I’m stuffing it into a garbage bag.  I try not to look at the “I love you Mom” written in bleeding water-color as I’m trashing it, but I have so many art projects already I’m verging on hoarder status.  Just don’t put me in that position!

8.  A tote bag with a collage of kid photos on it: I love my kids so much but I’ve got a rep to protect.

9.  Perfume: I wouldn’t complain if it was actually something decent but they usually get it from Walgreens, soooo….  And to make matters worse it generally comes in a gift box with matching lotion and body wash. I loved Obsession in the 90’s, but I’ve had time to get over it.  A lot of time.

10.  But the worst gift my kids could give me: nothing at all. Because no matter how bad their gifts, I know everything comes from a place of pure good and is their way of saying “Mommy we really love you.”  And since their happiness is my happiness I’ll always pretend to enjoy getting it as much as they enjoy giving it.

Now let’s get to work on that yellow diamond…

Jacqueline Goldschneider is a freelance writer and a mother of four living in Bergen County

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