Mother’s Day is undoubtedly a day to honor all mothers (good) but in recent years, I’ve found the holiday increasingly slipping into a schlocky, Hallmark-y abyss (bad).
In an effort to get things back on track (and perhaps save you a trip to the store) I’m just going to lay it out. Here is just a small sampling of the things I don’t want this coming Sunday:
1. Breakfast in bed. Love the idea; hate the execution. Children bouncing, wiggling and nibbling next to me means that the opportunity for spillage runs high. Guess who gets to change the sheets and mop up the coffee stains off the floor?
2. Flowers. I know, I know… who doesn’t love flowers? But here’s the thing: When you shop at 11pm on the Saturday before Mother’s Day, the selection of carnation/baby’s breath/cellophane-wrapped floral arrangements just isn’t… well, never mind. Flowers are nice, dear, but can you please shop somewhere else?
3. A heart-shaped Mylar balloon embellished with butterflies and kissing birds.
4. A 6am wake-up call.
5. Anything from the Open Hearts® Collection from Kay Jewelers.
6. A car wash kit.
7. Chocolate. I really do have a thing for chocolate, but since I already have several stashes hidden around the house (sorry), a gift such as this one potentially puts me over the edge. Plus, I’m just as fussy about my cacao percentage as my flower arrangements.
8. Brunch. Normally I LOVE brunch. Just not on Mother’s Day. Weird, right? It’s the crowds— and potentially running into frenemies that I fear might spoil the day.
9. A mug, paperweight or trophy that says “Best Mom Ever.”
10. Knives.
11. A new can opener (even though I’m the klutz that keeps breaking them).
12. Barbeque accessories.
13. Household cleaners. Including the attractively packaged, aromatherapy, planet-friendly kind.
14. A vacuum cleaner.
15. A hair dryer.
16. Marriage counseling.
17. Clogs.
18. A new pet.
19. Eyebrow tinting.
20. Teeth whitening.
21. A Neti Pot.
22. Self-help books.
23. A seasonal affective disorder lamp.
24. Age spot removal cream.
25. Socks, underwear or a pack of gardening gloves from Costco.
26. A bathroom scale.
27. An Epilady.
28. Fuzzy bathrobe and/or fuzzy socks. I’m already pretty well stocked. Have you noticed my wardrobe lately?
29. A subscription to Ladies Home Journal (as of July it will cease to exist).
30. Cash.
What do I want? I’ll tell you: I would like to sleep in. Not all morning… but maybe until 8:30 or 9am, and I would be eternally grateful if I didn’t have to wipe anyone’s butt until at least noon. That would be the luxurious portion of the day. And then I’d like to just chill with the family and enjoy some electronics-free quality time. We could go on a bike ride… visit relatives… walk to the park… or light up the grill. And as for as gifts go, less is more. A homemade card with some cuddles and kisses on top is what I will most definitely cherish for years to come.
Allison Ellis is a freelance writer and mother of two.
