If you have just started the divorce process or have been thinking about divorce, being under lockdown with your soon-to-be ex can be painful. For months, you thought about seeing a divorce attorney and starting the process just in time to get things done to enjoy your summer as a single mom. And just like that, the world came to a grinding halt—and the timing couldn’t have been any worse.
How long will this last? How soon can I get divorced? Despite what many may think, while the Courts have implemented social distancing, law firms are still open and divorce attorneys are still working. We still have access to the Courts and Judges, Complaints for Divorce are still being filed, conferences with Courts and mediations are proceeding through phone conferences and Zoom video conferencing.
Today, I continue to get frantic calls from my clients, some confined in the privacy of their own bathroom or closet (the only place they can get 2 minutes away from their children to place a private phone call), to talk to me, hoping I can bring some sanity to their situation. I sympathize with these clients, as they truly are going through one of the most stressful times of their lives. The concept of boundaries and privacy suddenly became a thing of the past.
These are just some tips I have been giving my clients to survive the days of being quarantined at home with their not so significant other:
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Breathe- There is no question we are all navigating uncharted waters. You spent years with each other and stuck through some difficult times. Now, the thought of spending one more day in the house with him is enough to drive you crazy. Breathe. You will get through it.
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Set Boundaries- If you are still living together, you must establish boundaries. Having your own physical space (no matter how big or small) is key to maintaining your mental health and wellness. Try to have a conversation with your spouse and figure out what space will be designated as your own, what space will be his, and what spaces will be shared.
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Establish a schedule- Schedule a time with the kids for a walk, outdoor play, baking, homework/reading time, movie time, folding laundry, etc. Designate which parent will be with the children during each activity, affording some “alone” time for each parent to unwind. If your spouse takes a hands-off approach to spending time with the children, set your own schedule and encourage your children to have their own alone time when you are done. You’ll be surprised how they value their alone time as much as you do.
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Don’t argue with your spouse in front of the children- Remember what your Mom always said, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!” If there is ever a time to apply those words of wisdom, it’s now. Your children are listening. There’s nothing worse than parents arguing in front of their children. The situation is extremely stressful as it is, don’t put your children in the middle. I tell clients all the time—you may feel that you’ve had “enough” of your husband, but your children have lived the reality of your failing marriage with you. Don’t make it worse for them—try your hardest not to make a difficult situation more unbearable for your children.
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Do communicate with your spouse via text/email- If you do need to discuss boundaries or gripes with your spouse and can’t do it outside the earshot of your kids, take the time to sit down and send your spouse a text/email. Chances are, once you sit down to write, you will pause and not react to an already sensitive situation. Think before you write and re-read before you hit send. Remember, text messages could be submitted into evidence in a divorce.
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Take turns with household chores- Surprisingly, the biggest complaint I’ve been hearing from clients is how the other spouse isn’t pulling their weight with household chores. “He has the nerve to eat the food I’m cooking” is the biggest complaint of all. Try not to let the little things get to you. Try to share responsibilities. For example, one person cooks, the other cleans up after dinner. Hopefully, this will lessen the tension in the house and make the day a little bit more bearable.
Getting your questions answered may give you the peace of mind you need in these uncertain times. For a free phone consultation, I can be reached directly at 973-557-1168.
Evelyn F. Nissirios, Esq. is a Partner at Meyerson, Fox, Mancinelli & Conte, PA, in Montvale and practices exclusively in Divorce and Family Law. Website: www.mfmclaw.com Email: ENissirios@mfmclaw.com
